in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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