Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
