i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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