She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
