I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
