its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
