I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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