I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
