He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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