in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
