you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
