Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
