And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I forgot how hot balto sounded
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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