My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
