We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
