mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
