She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
