not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
