when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
