its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She's the barista slut.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
