i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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