No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
