Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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