Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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