Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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