seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
