she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
this beer tastes like vomit already
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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