giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
