Your face is a jimmy john
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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