I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
