the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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