i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
