I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
