you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
