why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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