Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Two words: blizzard sex
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
