there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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