no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
