Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
