I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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