I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
