If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
