I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
This is classic penis vs brain.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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