Fine. I'll sleep in my office
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
