Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
