It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
