I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
