She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
