wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
