I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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